It was October 31st 2008.  After putting in a half day at work, I was in my car, headed towards my hometown.  I’d be there in about four and half hours, depending on traffic and how heavy my foot was on the accelerator.

Long time readers are aware that I observe Dia de los Muertos.  When I learned about this way back in high school it resonated with me.  I think it was in part because of my own heritage and how we view life, death and dealing when someone that matters to us passes.  Anyone that’s born witness to an Irish or Scottish wake may have a hard time referring to it as a wake.  For most, it seems more like a party and some people have a hard time wrapping their head around doing something like that right after someone passes.  I guess we see it as there’s plenty of time to be saddened by the whole thing.  So we want to celebrate, all of us gathered, the life of the person we’ve just lost.

When I’m actually home, I do set up an ofrenda.  I’ve always wanted to do more in line with the traditions wrapped up in the observance.  That’s when I decided I’d take a trip back to where we laid my father and sister to rest during this time of year- clear off the grave, place some flowers, candles, etc.  I found it interesting that not long after that decision, I get a notice about my ten year high school reunion that would require heading back up to my old hometowns that I haven’t been near or in about seven or eight years.

My mom asked me, ‘why now?’  I didn’t really have an answer beyond, why not?  Perhaps it’s part because I’m not too far away to make it an impossibility to celebrate DDLM in its entirety.   Perhaps it’s just because I’m in a reflective mood, which is usually in the advent of a new chapter in my life beginning.  And I’m going somewhere that should have resonance, but it doesn’t completely.  It could simply be something as simple as I’m molting/growing and I’m going back to the places that feel the closest to being roots to me.

As the years pass on, I’ve gotten to know my mother beyond just a parent and as a person.  I’ll never know Dad or Suzie like I’ve gotten to know her.  In short, it matters, and sometimes there’s no wording it as to why it does, other than to simply say, it matters.  That’s just the fact of it.

I went there, knowing neither of them are truly there.  That it’s ceremonial and that deep down, it’s really not going to do anything for me that most would think.   And that was ok with me.  It’s something I wanted to do, for reasons that didn’t exactly jump out and me and I decided I was going to do it.

In preparation I had gone to Jubilee’s in the Towne Center, a candy shop that still sells candies by the pound.  There I picked up favorite candies, not only for the ofrenda, but to take with me.  I had bought mums to take with me for the trip as well as some sugar skulls.  I didn’t have time to make my own.

When I went shopping for specific things, I was sidled with purpose and accomplishment and a twist of connection.  I know in most instances, preparation for observing DDLM can be well in advance of when the celebration occurs.  I suppose I felt connected to any other person preparing, wherever they were in the world.

I didn’t know if Trex wanted to come or not, but I had let her know of my plans.  As it turned out, she had to work.  But she wished me well and of course, a safe trip there and back.

When I made it to town, I checked into the hotel I booked, while amazed in how some things hadn’t changed since the last I saw it.  I wanted to pick up some fresh mums, and luckily I didn’t have to go far to find some.  By the time I got there, there hadn’t been many hours left until dusk, which is when the cemetery ‘closed.’  So I unloaded at the hotel room and headed there.

It had started to cool off as it tends to do that time of year when edging towards dusk.  I wondered if I’d find anything there.  In the few times I had been there before, there had always been a spray or wreath from Dad’s mom.  As I neared, I saw that it looks like she had stopped that some time back.  I cleared off the lil bit of debris across the plaques and set my adornments nearby.  I arranged the mums and placed the loose stems I had with me in the vase.  I set down the sugar skulls, arranged the papel picado I had made, the candies I had brought and the candles.  Even though the sun was setting, I lingered, lit the candles, knowing I couldn’t leave them and just stared, not sure what I was doing there, unexpectant.  I embraced an opportunity that some years back I would have chickened out of when I went off on my own and spent two weeks in Hong Kong.  Since then, I’ve embraced the chance to do something when enough things line up.  Which is why I didn’t need a specific reason to be there, other than it’s something I wanted to do if I wasn’t halfway across the country or world for work.

I blew out the candles after a while and left.  I ended up driving around town, looking at old haunts, drove by one of the houses we used to call home.  I drove down an old bus route, that the moment I was on the right road, I remembered.  Drove past the old Christmas Tree farm that we’d get our tree from every year when we lived in the Boonie House as we called it.  I headed back to my hotel and picked up some Carolina style barbeque for dinner.  I hadn’t had that in years, since at the time, I had yet to master recreating the vinegar based sauce I grew up eating.  After a phone call with Trex, I called it a night.

The next morning had me back at the cemetery.  It felt like a shot out of a movie or on television- just sitting there, passing the time grave side.  While driving around, I realized how long it’d been since I was in that town, knowing that there was nothing there to give me a reason really to be going back, the whole place felt like a cemetery to a degree.  I buried a lot there.  Not just family, but chapters in my life.  The pivotal ones that molded me, shaped me, had me on the roads I found myself on when I’d be growing again, setting my life in the direction I decided it needed to go in.

Graveside I talked to them.  Acknowledging that I don’t believe they’re there, that I’m talking out loud instead of thinking it in my head.  That I’m dialed in to how much I miss them, that I would have liked to have known them if they were still here.  That I was  curious about what my life would be like in that case.  That I hope Trex is dead to rights when she tells me Dad would be so proud.  That I’m dead on when I think Suzie and I would be the friends mom and I are.

Then I blew out the candles and drove home.