I know exactly when I got off track.  It was after I came back from my work in Spain.  I’d lost too much weight in a short span of time.  I was afraid my metabolism wasn’t where it needed to be.  My weightloss has always been about feeling healthy.  I’d gone down nearly eight pounds in three weeks.  And at this point..I wasn’t far from a goal weight so any loss shouldn’t have been that dramatic.  I’d started thinking muscle loss, but since I was enjoying local cuisine and my metabolism could support consumption of complex and simple carbs, I entered a ‘waitwhathuh?’ query.  When I weighed in, expecting some gain, I was taken aback, thinking I may have been shorting myself on fuel unknowingly.  I hadn’t quite nailed down the new biofeedback I was learning.  I clearly needed to throttle back on something.

I can now say I have a clear picture.  I’d been successful with managing and correcting to a degree the insulin use deficiency that makes me diabetic, but not.  I was made up of enough muscle that I was actually burning the fuel I consumed in a healthy manner.  As long as I met my minimums for intake.  Spain’s lesson showed me that I as I get to a certain weight, moreover lean factor…I gotta feed my muscles more and that they can readily handle it.  As long as I maintain them- and important clarifier.

I compensated, but I ended up derailing myself.  I let workouts slide- one day every now and then became a more of a consistency.  Much like some recovering alcoholics can never again have ‘just one drink,’ I learned I can never veer temporarily from my routine. It snowballs..quickly. That’s what happened.  A domino effect that got me out of routine.   Said routine helped me manage the things I wanted to accomplish by prioritizing, moreover it actually balanced my impatience when it comes to works in progress.  I like things done and done NOW.  It’s hard for me to have a work in progress.  It builds stress that there’s something out there incomplete, when a logical argument can prove that most endeavors aren’t accomplished in a day.  Even if the logic’s sound, my impatience that wants something done, fini, and no longer an item to worry over, is a loud distraction in my head.   I’ve been trying to rebuild that routine for a long time.  Spain was almost three years ago.  I’m still trying.

Then I realized why all my push starts hadn’t had the initial oomph to keep my stride until I hit that results phase.  I’m sabotaging myself all due to a personality quirk that’s as stubborn as I am.  I know that’s circular.  The issue is there’s so many trains to get back on track that I’m failing before I begin due to that wanting it done, fini, and no longer an item to worry over.  When I feel disorganized, it stresses me.  I look for immediate outlets because as a perfectionistic personality, my normal stress level is considered high compared to most other people.  So imagine what my high stress level can equate to.  I know me, I know my perfectionism.  My personality fortunately offset said perfectionism with an impulse to analyze and study things, and gave it balls of adamantium so that I didn’t scamper away from any of the ugly revealed in the process.  Finding that immediate destressing outlet is a self-preservation method.  With a growing to do list that’s mutating into a MUST DO list, I feel more disorganized, it fuels a ‘make it go away’ and for whatever asinine reason, I do something else, instead of perhaps taking down a chunk of that list.  Oh right, that asinine reason is that that something else is a contained item- easily finished so that it’s done, fini, and no longer an item to worry over.  It’s a nasty feedback loop that leads to burnout.  I’ve been there.  I didn’t like it. I don’t like being idle to begin with, I loathe the smart pause that happens when I’m sick [because I can't get anything done], so a recovery from acheiving critical mass? It doth receive many a scorned thought.

Annd I have this beef with failure, particularly a repeated one.

The kicker is,  this…is my push start.  I jumped in blind, then wondered why I couldn’t get anything close to being on track beyond short term.  I can’t do anything without a sense of organization.  Key word here is sense.  I can have a messy desk and it doesn’t make me twitch.  If the coffee table’s an array of mail, magazines, remotes and more…it taunts me.  I had no plan beyond ‘yeah, let’s do this.’  I didn’t have anything to measure my progress by- that ever important follow on stage of results that gives the sense of accomplishment, that produces motivation because it’s working. Duh.

So I’m making an addendum to my commitment.  It starts this weekend and I’m treating it like an appointment with my doctor. I’m not going to miss it because the cancellation fee is a price I’m not willing to pay.  I look forward to writing about my graceless pitfalls along the way.  I posit that so will you readership, since you seem to quite enjoy when I’m in that zone that produces rants or so tired the stream of consciousness is left unchecked.